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Bulimics Who Want to Stop

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trying to be strong.... [28 Oct 2007|07:46pm]

[ mood | crushed ]

 So, this morning my step-mom offered me a Cuban sandwich. I fucking LOVE those, havn't had one in a long time and lost weight this week. I've been exersizng and eating well... Why not, I'll have half. My dad sees and tells me I shouldn't eat it. Bread, ham, pickles, mustard cheese; really it's not that bad... and I had a small half..  I explain my rationale and he just scoffs at me like I'm a fucking fatass. They have been eating fried shit, CAKE and ice cream and I have denied it all. God forbid I actually enjoy anything. 

3|and the dancing spoons..

[30 Jul 2007|10:50am]

is anyone still reading/utilizing this community?

if you are, please don't be afraid to post.
and the dancing spoons..

[23 Apr 2007|06:39pm]

hmm... this community seems to have gone a bit dead.
1|and the dancing spoons..

[30 Sep 2006|11:22am]

hi everyone, it's your friendly neighborhood moderator :)

I have to make a big apology for being absent the last few months. I had some personal badness involving some bad cutting that actually put me in a crisis intervention center for five days. that turned out to be a good thing though, of course, and they re-assessed my meds (or, med, because I was only on 50mg zoloft) and gave me more, much better things.

just this month I went through an *extremely* unexpected bout of anorexia. mind, I've been free of binging and purging since like February, and I didn't see it coming at all. I suddenly could not eat. It was terrifying, and though I do not weigh myself (no one really should, it's silly) I lost a great deal of weight in less than two weeks and couldn't eat. I was pissed off and confused about it, and my counselor was ready to put me back in the crisis center if it continued, because my kidneys were aching and my intestines hurt, among other things. All the old pains came back, and it was distressing because those of you who've had some time in recovery would hate to feel like you're suddenly using laxatives again when you're not, etc.

Anyway, my eating is increasing, I'm only eating real food (i.e. not junk food), substantial things, and I am keeping my stomach from shrinking. I hope you're all keeping up and keeping your negative voices in check, because the voice is evil and wrong, and you are all beautiful and worth love and care and everything.

I'll be here more. <3

and the dancing spoons..

[23 Mar 2006|01:40pm]

This is my idea of perfection....
Paris Hilton's body...
Kelly Clarkson's beautiful face...
A mix of Shakira, Kelly Clarkson, Aly and A.J., Mariah Carey, and Carrie Underwood's voice...
Shakira's hips...
need I go on?

I've not yet lost any weight because I cannot stick to dieting! I hate it. I WANT so badly to purge, but I tell myself no. I'm going to end up smapping over this. I can't handle it. I really want to lose this weight and be healthy. But it's not working out. I'm just too fat to do this. I don't know! AHH!
2|and the dancing spoons..

I cracked... [19 Feb 2006|08:15pm]

I'm gonna post this behind a cut to avoid any triggering
Read more...Collapse )
2|and the dancing spoons..

[10 Feb 2006|10:11pm]

Hey everyone,

If anyone is interested in an eating disorder discussion / awareness / activism group based in New York City, email me at kolormehappygirl@aol.com

and the dancing spoons..

Eating Disorders Discussion / Awareness / Activism Group in NYC [14 Jan 2006|02:13pm]


I'm trying to start an eating disorders discussion group that focuses on societal impact - not a support group, but a discussion / awareness group. I have no qualifications for that, emotionally or educationally.

This is a discussion group for people who want to talk about eating disorders and body image and society...to speak out, speak to one another, lessen the shame as a means to feeling better about ourselves and having our voices heard by one another, in the very least. Its cathartic and revolutionary. The longer we feel ashamed, the longer we will be silent, the less we will speak to one another, and the less we will make change.

I'm just very frustrated that in spite of the commonality of eating disorders, they are so rarely talked about. I'm fed up. I want to talk about it personal experiences, social experiences, women's body image and roles throughout history...I want to try to collectively understand that eating disorders are basically handed to us on silver platters by our surroundings as a favorable solution to our "inability to control ourselves," that we are all susceptible, that it has nothing to do with intelligence, that you don't necessarily have to be skinny to have an eating disorder.

I want to explore the continuum of eating disorders - bulimia and binge eating on one end and anorexia on the other, the bulimic / binge eater wishes she could be anorexic, the anorexic has succeeded and continues to succeed but is never good enough, while the bulimic feels trapped in her cycle and the binge eater feels hopeless and trapped as well. Bulimia/binge eating and anorexia are charactures of society. This is how society is set up: "out of control" people are supposed to envy "in control" people. What defines "in" and "out" of "control"? How and why are men, in light of women's political and economic advances, trying to make women smaller?

I want to hear other's opinions...share personal feelings about their own disorders.

I want to talk about how unconscious it is...how its not always "I wanna look like this actress, I wanna look like a model tee-hee" because that kind of thinking really belittles eating disordered individuals. Makes eating disorders out to be immature and stupid and shallow. I want to talk about how society's images are brainwashing, about Naomi Wolf and other eating disorder and feminist authors. I also have a few books on the biology of eating disorders and i'd be up to incorporating that aspects into the societal factor. I'm starting to really believe that the society is the pre-cursor for eating disorders in indviduals who are already vulnerable because of family and biology - but that society is primary. I want to hear other opinons, listen and talk and be empathic toward one another.

I want to discuss alternative, imaginary societies: what if obese people were considered the ideal? and people who were thin said to one another, despondent, "I'll never be that beautiful. I just want to be fat. That's all I want. Once I'm fat everything will be perfect." and people who were bigger than the "obesity standard" said, "I just can't stop gaining. I know I need to stop, but I'm not fat enough YET, once I weight XXX pounds I'll be fat enough, I swear."

that's the jist!

let me know if you're interested! thanks.
7|and the dancing spoons..

happy story! [14 Jan 2006|01:32am]

hi everyone,

i just wanted to let you know my story since it's turned out to be a good one. this is inspired by a famliy member that's going through a very rough time with bulimia... i'm not close enough to her at all to talk to her, i'm sure it wouldn't help, but i thought maybe i could lend you some words of encouragement.

i've never actually been bulemic. i'm not sure if i could have ever been really considered anorexic, maybe. this community is actually what kept me from ever trying to make myself throw up a meal. i used to be so close to just losing it and doing it, but i would go to the computer and look at this website and read about all these girls who absolutely hated this disease and struggled with it daily. it brought me back to reality and reminded me that this was not the way to get to be how i wanted to be. i would still go for several days at a time on just a few hundred calories, if i could get away with it... i was extremely secretive about it, when i finally told my mom about what i had gone through (after the fact) she was completely shocked, and had no idea any of this was ever going on.

whether or not i was anorexic, i was constantly thinking about food, and every time i ate anything i felt guilty. this is how it was for about four years (high school). looking back, i think that the problem was that about half the girls at my school were white rich kids who had eating disorders themselves, and though it was never said out loud, being skinny was vital. then i went to college, and the girls were so different. not all of them of course, but the majority of them were (are) healthy and beautiful girls who are never afraid to eat.

i gained the notorious freshman fifteen, which i was extremely upset about, but at the same time i wasn't thinking about food all the time anymore. i ate meals without thinking that i was being a bad person, and it was wonderful. i can't stress enough how fabulous it is to finally have this huge weight lifted off my shoulders, to no longer be thinking about how fat i am every second of the day, and to be happy to eat.

now i'm in my sophomore year and i've practiced eating healthy for a while and have lost most of my extra weight. i'm not stick skinny, and i still wish i was skinnier, but i no longer have the compulsion to starve myself, and i never ever think about throwing up anymore.

another thing that helped me was finally telling somebody about my problem. before i told my mom i told my boyfriend. i was always so afraid of anyone knowing, but once somebody did, it was no longer just my problem to deal with by myself. somebody knew about it, and knew that they had to look out for me, and if i started to slip, there would be somebody to keep me in line.

the point of me sharing this with you is to give you a couple of words of advice, and hopefully they can help you. if you're looking at colleges, or for a new environment/place to live, surrounding yourself with skinny skinny girls is going to make things harder. every day i see so many gorgeous girls who have all kinds of bodies, but rarely the skinny kind that this disease made me want to be. it will teach you that skinny is not the source of beauty.

secondly, if you're as secretive as i was, telling somebody about your problem, or even just hinting at it, can be a huge load off. i was so scared for anybody to know because i was afraid that they would try to stop me. my boyfriend told me that i was beautiful and that i should tell my mom about my problem.

life is so much better without this negative aspect surrounding my every move. thank you all, and the best of luck to you.
and the dancing spoons..

Recovery story...opinions? [08 Jan 2006|12:16pm]

Okay so...I've been bulimic for 8 or more years. I've had my "recoveries" like everyone else I suppose. You know, those 2-7 day recoveries. But this time around, I went about 4 months without any binging or purging. I was like GOD FINALLY I"M RID OF THIS FOREVER! Let it be forever please please please. But the past month I did about 5 times. I hate it. I have another psychiatrist who has "diagnosed" me wtih Bipolar Disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and of course high anxiety and a little bit of paranoia. I do study psychology (my major) but not clinical. I love psychology dont' get me wrong, but sometimes I think...I think everyone has a bit of disorders, like borderline personality disorder is now a joke to everyone. But anyway I'm on Lamictal and Xanax for some reason. I wondered if anyone had any opinions on the meds I"m on, if it sounds like a good thing or not. Also, is anyone recovering/ I know this is for those of us who want to stop, so it may be a stupid question. Actually it is. But I hate this setback...4 months and I just ruined it. BLAH!
1|and the dancing spoons..

[20 Oct 2005|08:54pm]

i was on wellbutrin xl for a while because my doctor was unaware of my eating disorder.
today i just go switched to prozac 20mg. i've heard it helps reduce episodes.
is anybody else here on it and find that it helps?
3|and the dancing spoons..

[07 Sep 2005|06:08pm]

this weekend I took part in a small (12 students) yoga workshop. I knew I needed it so badly because, though I've been so much better these days, I had so much tension and I was constantly clenching my jaw and starting to fidget more and all sorts of nervous habits I associate with my ED. In fact, I was sooo tense that all through the first class (two hours long) I couldn't fully focus. Though I sweated buckets, I didn't feel the mental peace that yoga usually brings when it's done with 100% commitment.

finally, about an hour/hour and a half into the second class, we got into "frog" pose, one which releases all sorts of anger and grief from the hips and groin. I suddenly felt it, I felt the reason I'd been so nervous was that a small part of me was still feeling weak toward the ED and thus was unable to focus on myself and the healthier person I've been lately, so I was in a very static area where I was just plain on edge. Being in the pose, I started silently ordering the ED to leave my body, into the ground, everything I could muster against it. I started crying as I felt whatever I could get out of me pull away.

and I'm back to doing better/being less nervous.
it is such a long road but I am so glad I'm on it. I wouldn't give up recovery, the ED seemed more evil than ever this time, knocking on my door, however much in disguise.
and the dancing spoons..

Train of thought. [18 Aug 2005|01:40pm]

My despair.

May or may not be triggering.

Read more...Collapse )
2|and the dancing spoons..

I'm scared...I need some opinions [11 Aug 2005|10:03pm]

To start off, sorry for no updates.

But I've been doing the best I have EVER done! The past month, I purged TWICE, one was preceded with a binge. Small binge. Less then 1000 cals. But, what I'm scared of is that I haven't had my period in two months. I'm not pregnant (impossible since my boyfriend and I aren't having sex), and I haven't been "bulimic." (Technically, the definition of a bulimic is one who binges then purges in some way at least twice a week continuously for like 3 months or something...so yay for me.) Then one of my (don't know if I should call her friend or not since she kindda turned her back on me but whatever) told me perhaps its because of my eating disorder. Which at first shocked me, because I didn't know she knew I may still had it. But maybe she didn't. She knows I used to. Or maybe she's found this diary, which would way suck so bad, because then everyone will know it. And they can all point and laugh at me, the fat cow.

And also something reeally hurt me, (not like this girl hadn't torn my heard out already) said that fat people shouldn't procreate because they'll spread their fat genes. I find this hypocritical, especially since her boyfriend's mother isn't skinny mini. But I felt like she said it towards me, although she most likely didn't. But she's obviously has an eye out for me, she knew before someoen else who I actually do talk to, that I had undeleted my other diary for some music communities. In a way I'm tired of her doing that. I feel like she's waiting for me to do something so she can twist it around.

Also what I'm scared of to, today I blacked out twice. Just BAM fell to the floor. But I'm eating fine, seriously, and not over exercising. So what's making my period so late and what's causing my blackouts? Could it be EDs still???

Also I have had absolutely NO appetite. I ate a small breakfast, and I dont' even think about eating until Matt says something about it. And then of course I eat, because I know I SHOULD be hungry, but I"m just not. And no food is desireable. Not even COOKIES, and I'm a cookie FREAK!
1|and the dancing spoons..

New community [28 Jul 2005|10:05pm]

Not sure if it's OK to promote a new community in here or not - just delete if not. hope_found is for those recovering or thinking about recovering from their EDs and will hopefully be positive and helpful and non-triggering...

and the dancing spoons..

[27 Jul 2005|01:08pm]

low urea? anyone know? theres lots about high urea levels but not much on low.
3|and the dancing spoons..

[07 Jul 2005|11:44am]

[ mood | calm ]

Hey everyone...

Well, its been well over a month since my last post and I think that in that time i've gotten immeasureably better. Well... maybe not immeasureably... but i did find myself another guy that has an eating disorder to talk to (yes, I am a guy with an eating disorder). He and I have been trying our hardest to support each other. I met him at my college orientation and we immediately seemed to find everything in common with each other, so we started talking about our personal lives. In the end we basically discovered that we were both gymnists with an eating disorder. That unveiled, we decided that we'd both put our minds solely to gymnastics to try and stop focusing soo much on nutrition facts, food content, binge eating, purging, worrying, self-hating, and soo many various other things that have thusfar been a burden on our lives. Not only did that focus on somthing else make us much better gymnists, but we also have gone for as much as 3 weeks without purging <^.^> That is the best i've done in the last 2 and a half years. I messed up the other day, but hey... noone's perfect.

Anyway, i guess the whole point of this is that, while a support group online is definately helpful, i'd recommend finding another person with similar intrests as you (note: not a boyfriend or girlfriend), but just a friend.(most of the time a relationship can make a person bias and not necessarily honest or helpful) See if you two can motivate each other in doing somthing else that would keep you going without spending your time hating yourself and you may find your life easier. Then again, i'm also very OCD, so that may be a reason I can make myself obsessed with somthing other than eating disorders. But, give it a try anyway. In my opinion, almost anything is better than an eating disorder.

2|and the dancing spoons..

[06 Jul 2005|01:15pm]

i have osteoperosis of the spine and hips, how odd. people keep threatening me with hospital again. have been set a limit and i'm right on that limit at the moment. i dont want to go back to hospital i hate it. i've told myself i've got an overdraft, i'll run away, but then they will just section me and i'll be stuck there for months on end. what to do what to do?
1|and the dancing spoons..

[05 Jul 2005|10:49pm]

Several things to rant about

First off, my lil sister (who istn REALLY my lil sister, but might as well be) he family is starting to tell her she's fat and needs to be on a diet. okay, but this 15 year old asian is 110 lbs, size 0/1 !!!! Her sister, who was my best friend, hence how I got close to the lil sis, has lost a good bit of weight and at the last I saw had to be a size 3 or 1, when she probably had been at lest a size 7 or size 9. She's' built mor elike me. Bu tanyway, now her family is proud of the big sis, and tells lil sis she's fat.

Two things tear me up, that they get on to lil sis for being so called fat, and that they prize big sis' achievenment, instead of being worried about her. Personally I am worried about her, and I want to see if she really is sick with mild anorexia, or something. But seems noone else wnats to, just says they're proud. Like theyl did for me.

Like all families do at first to their eating disordered childrenn. Till they're in the hospital for it.


Okay but on onther news, I spent a wonderful weekend with my wonderful boyfirend, but once back home, I purged one meal, and then actually binged and purged the next day. I hadnt' binged in a while. So he was all proudo f me and now ...well now I get him allworried, and he's cried about me and I feel so guily for bringing this pain on to him.

So shouldI continue to tell him when I relapse, or not?
1|and the dancing spoons..

stuck in a rut [01 Jul 2005|05:41pm]

[ mood | scared ]

Hello everyone. I always read everyone's post but I myself don't post. I figured since I'm staying in tonight I would post to let everyone know where I am at and a little about me.
I'm a 22 year old anorexic bulimic. I've been struggling with this for 10 years now and have done much damage to my body. I have gone through periods of abstinence that last a few months but it always comes back to haunt me.
I recently (6 months ago) went into a residential treatment facility to get help. That worked for about 4 months.
Now the past two months.... I'm back to my old ways, if not worse. I'm so scared. I don't want to end up in the hospital again or in a treatment center. I go through days of starving my self then days of binging and purging. It's a vicious cycle and I'm freaking out. I tell myself everyday that this is the last time I'm not gonna eat or this is the last time I'm going to throw up. It just doesn't work.
Is there hope??


<3, Andrea Nicole

2|and the dancing spoons..

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