safe here

trying to be strong....

 So, this morning my step-mom offered me a Cuban sandwich. I fucking LOVE those, havn't had one in a long time and lost weight this week. I've been exersizng and eating well... Why not, I'll have half. My dad sees and tells me I shouldn't eat it. Bread, ham, pickles, mustard cheese; really it's not that bad... and I had a small half..  I explain my rationale and he just scoffs at me like I'm a fucking fatass. They have been eating fried shit, CAKE and ice cream and I have denied it all. God forbid I actually enjoy anything. 

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(no subject)

hi everyone, it's your friendly neighborhood moderator :)

I have to make a big apology for being absent the last few months. I had some personal badness involving some bad cutting that actually put me in a crisis intervention center for five days. that turned out to be a good thing though, of course, and they re-assessed my meds (or, med, because I was only on 50mg zoloft) and gave me more, much better things.

just this month I went through an *extremely* unexpected bout of anorexia. mind, I've been free of binging and purging since like February, and I didn't see it coming at all. I suddenly could not eat. It was terrifying, and though I do not weigh myself (no one really should, it's silly) I lost a great deal of weight in less than two weeks and couldn't eat. I was pissed off and confused about it, and my counselor was ready to put me back in the crisis center if it continued, because my kidneys were aching and my intestines hurt, among other things. All the old pains came back, and it was distressing because those of you who've had some time in recovery would hate to feel like you're suddenly using laxatives again when you're not, etc.

Anyway, my eating is increasing, I'm only eating real food (i.e. not junk food), substantial things, and I am keeping my stomach from shrinking. I hope you're all keeping up and keeping your negative voices in check, because the voice is evil and wrong, and you are all beautiful and worth love and care and everything.

I'll be here more. <3

(no subject)

This is my idea of perfection....
Paris Hilton's body...
Kelly Clarkson's beautiful face...
A mix of Shakira, Kelly Clarkson, Aly and A.J., Mariah Carey, and Carrie Underwood's voice...
Shakira's hips...
need I go on?

I've not yet lost any weight because I cannot stick to dieting! I hate it. I WANT so badly to purge, but I tell myself no. I'm going to end up smapping over this. I can't handle it. I really want to lose this weight and be healthy. But it's not working out. I'm just too fat to do this. I don't know! AHH!

Eating Disorders Discussion / Awareness / Activism Group in NYC


I'm trying to start an eating disorders discussion group that focuses on societal impact - not a support group, but a discussion / awareness group. I have no qualifications for that, emotionally or educationally.

This is a discussion group for people who want to talk about eating disorders and body image and speak out, speak to one another, lessen the shame as a means to feeling better about ourselves and having our voices heard by one another, in the very least. Its cathartic and revolutionary. The longer we feel ashamed, the longer we will be silent, the less we will speak to one another, and the less we will make change.

I'm just very frustrated that in spite of the commonality of eating disorders, they are so rarely talked about. I'm fed up. I want to talk about it personal experiences, social experiences, women's body image and roles throughout history...I want to try to collectively understand that eating disorders are basically handed to us on silver platters by our surroundings as a favorable solution to our "inability to control ourselves," that we are all susceptible, that it has nothing to do with intelligence, that you don't necessarily have to be skinny to have an eating disorder.

I want to explore the continuum of eating disorders - bulimia and binge eating on one end and anorexia on the other, the bulimic / binge eater wishes she could be anorexic, the anorexic has succeeded and continues to succeed but is never good enough, while the bulimic feels trapped in her cycle and the binge eater feels hopeless and trapped as well. Bulimia/binge eating and anorexia are charactures of society. This is how society is set up: "out of control" people are supposed to envy "in control" people. What defines "in" and "out" of "control"? How and why are men, in light of women's political and economic advances, trying to make women smaller?

I want to hear other's opinions...share personal feelings about their own disorders.

I want to talk about how unconscious it its not always "I wanna look like this actress, I wanna look like a model tee-hee" because that kind of thinking really belittles eating disordered individuals. Makes eating disorders out to be immature and stupid and shallow. I want to talk about how society's images are brainwashing, about Naomi Wolf and other eating disorder and feminist authors. I also have a few books on the biology of eating disorders and i'd be up to incorporating that aspects into the societal factor. I'm starting to really believe that the society is the pre-cursor for eating disorders in indviduals who are already vulnerable because of family and biology - but that society is primary. I want to hear other opinons, listen and talk and be empathic toward one another.

I want to discuss alternative, imaginary societies: what if obese people were considered the ideal? and people who were thin said to one another, despondent, "I'll never be that beautiful. I just want to be fat. That's all I want. Once I'm fat everything will be perfect." and people who were bigger than the "obesity standard" said, "I just can't stop gaining. I know I need to stop, but I'm not fat enough YET, once I weight XXX pounds I'll be fat enough, I swear."

that's the jist!

let me know if you're interested! thanks.

happy story!

hi everyone,

i just wanted to let you know my story since it's turned out to be a good one. this is inspired by a famliy member that's going through a very rough time with bulimia... i'm not close enough to her at all to talk to her, i'm sure it wouldn't help, but i thought maybe i could lend you some words of encouragement.

i've never actually been bulemic. i'm not sure if i could have ever been really considered anorexic, maybe. this community is actually what kept me from ever trying to make myself throw up a meal. i used to be so close to just losing it and doing it, but i would go to the computer and look at this website and read about all these girls who absolutely hated this disease and struggled with it daily. it brought me back to reality and reminded me that this was not the way to get to be how i wanted to be. i would still go for several days at a time on just a few hundred calories, if i could get away with it... i was extremely secretive about it, when i finally told my mom about what i had gone through (after the fact) she was completely shocked, and had no idea any of this was ever going on.

whether or not i was anorexic, i was constantly thinking about food, and every time i ate anything i felt guilty. this is how it was for about four years (high school). looking back, i think that the problem was that about half the girls at my school were white rich kids who had eating disorders themselves, and though it was never said out loud, being skinny was vital. then i went to college, and the girls were so different. not all of them of course, but the majority of them were (are) healthy and beautiful girls who are never afraid to eat.

i gained the notorious freshman fifteen, which i was extremely upset about, but at the same time i wasn't thinking about food all the time anymore. i ate meals without thinking that i was being a bad person, and it was wonderful. i can't stress enough how fabulous it is to finally have this huge weight lifted off my shoulders, to no longer be thinking about how fat i am every second of the day, and to be happy to eat.

now i'm in my sophomore year and i've practiced eating healthy for a while and have lost most of my extra weight. i'm not stick skinny, and i still wish i was skinnier, but i no longer have the compulsion to starve myself, and i never ever think about throwing up anymore.

another thing that helped me was finally telling somebody about my problem. before i told my mom i told my boyfriend. i was always so afraid of anyone knowing, but once somebody did, it was no longer just my problem to deal with by myself. somebody knew about it, and knew that they had to look out for me, and if i started to slip, there would be somebody to keep me in line.

the point of me sharing this with you is to give you a couple of words of advice, and hopefully they can help you. if you're looking at colleges, or for a new environment/place to live, surrounding yourself with skinny skinny girls is going to make things harder. every day i see so many gorgeous girls who have all kinds of bodies, but rarely the skinny kind that this disease made me want to be. it will teach you that skinny is not the source of beauty.

secondly, if you're as secretive as i was, telling somebody about your problem, or even just hinting at it, can be a huge load off. i was so scared for anybody to know because i was afraid that they would try to stop me. my boyfriend told me that i was beautiful and that i should tell my mom about my problem.

life is so much better without this negative aspect surrounding my every move. thank you all, and the best of luck to you.

Recovery story...opinions?

Okay so...I've been bulimic for 8 or more years. I've had my "recoveries" like everyone else I suppose. You know, those 2-7 day recoveries. But this time around, I went about 4 months without any binging or purging. I was like GOD FINALLY I"M RID OF THIS FOREVER! Let it be forever please please please. But the past month I did about 5 times. I hate it. I have another psychiatrist who has "diagnosed" me wtih Bipolar Disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and of course high anxiety and a little bit of paranoia. I do study psychology (my major) but not clinical. I love psychology dont' get me wrong, but sometimes I think...I think everyone has a bit of disorders, like borderline personality disorder is now a joke to everyone. But anyway I'm on Lamictal and Xanax for some reason. I wondered if anyone had any opinions on the meds I"m on, if it sounds like a good thing or not. Also, is anyone recovering/ I know this is for those of us who want to stop, so it may be a stupid question. Actually it is. But I hate this setback...4 months and I just ruined it. BLAH!